Today I held two bananas
over each of my shoulders
and presented myself
as a quotation.
I’ve been a cry for help mostly,
sometimes a joke.
When you stirred from
your sleep you wanted breakfast
but it was too late.
I had become the urgent
prayers of a desperate pilot.
I had become a marriage
proposal blown by a strong arctic
wind across Lake Ontario.
I. I wondered why I was so
goddamn proud to be an
atheist in middle school cause
right now I wish I believed in
II. I like the byzantine icons and
every painting of jesus being
crucified and how the virgin mary was
only painted with the finest paints but
I can’t believe it.
III. you can’t tell me anything is more
beautiful than a romanesque church at
daytime with the sun glowing through old
stain glass windows, that looks like
faith to me.
IV. if I believed I’d probably just
resent god for killing my grandmothers and
still wonder why my aunt thinks they
went to hell and how can I believe in
god today when she made it out of the
holocaust but a minor heart attack
stopped her heart forever?
V. I’m not proud to see no
higher power anymore and I’ll still find
the beauty in church objects but I know I
can’t be saved and maybe I don’t want
to believe anything is greater than
Two months into our relationship you once asked me how much I loved you and I just said “From here”. You didn’t get it and you got mad and thought I was playing around.
Breaking up after almost two years together, I sent you a message 6 months later saying “To Here”.
You still didn’t get it.
I. fuck me until you
love me, until you really
do love me, okay?
II. kiss me until you
miss me as much as I do
I always miss you
III. touch me until I
feel like a goddess in a
world full of mortals
IX. kiss my nose and tell
me I look cute with lipstick
smeared across my face
XI. when you say you love
me I want you to mean it
I can’t see the stars
XII. touch my fat thighs and
imagine the clouds they are
from another god.
Love isn’t about
fucking each other
at any opportunity.
It also isn’t about
how many months
that you’ve been together.
love is about
being able to see light
inside of the person
who knows nothing
i listen to cee-lo and drink hot chicken soup
until i feel like throwing up
because if at least one is good for the soul
maybe i’ll feel better in the morning
i dish out advice like i throw around insults
like bits of confetti made out of ripped up paper
and zero fucks left to give
i pile up books issued from the library
until they’re two weeks overdue
like the last two oreos in the packet
that go soft because no one bothers to close the tin
i don’t know how to love
but expect love in return for what?
the absence of physical contact
the complaining that kind of resembles the moan
of a dusty old vacuum cleaner
that should have been taken to the dump
a few years ago
i’m like a pair of old man slippers
that no one would ever buy second-hand
because they smell like death and sadness
or something in between
i act like i’m better than everyone else
but that’s only so that i don’t drown
in a thousand feet deep pool of self-loathing
i am so terribly sorry that you eat
sadness for breakfast every morning
earthworms come out when it rains so
they don’t drown and then end up
getting stepped on anyway
i feel like shit when it rains and i
remember this so i always tip toe
down the street you broke my heart
i think the time spent with you was the
happiest of my life but i’m too sad to
tell you that